Larry is going to start from the beginning. Larry knew he was different from the day he was born. Larry was not born from his mom’s pussy like the other pigs; Larry was shit from his mom’s ass. Larry chose this. And by chose this, it means Larry had the foresight to realize if he could be born from anywhere but the pussy, no one could call him weak. Also, because if Larry doesn’t eat pussy, you can bet your virgin asshole that he isn’t going to be birthed from one. Being born from the ass is much grimier, painful on the mother, and a very masculine birth. So Larry came out of that ass with two middle fingers to the sky and with NWA blaring in the background.
While Larry’s brothers and sisters were all born pink, Larry was born black. Black like steel. Black like a cobra. Black like a dark cold night. How is this so? How could he be a different color from his siblings you ask? Fuck you.

On Larry’s first day of birth he squared up to one of his hog mom’s fat nipples for a pull. He was so enraged that he was expected to “suck the nipple” (because Larry doesn’t suck anything) he ate one of his brothers. This pleased Larry, but he quickly realized that his siblings were rivals. Even though they were born at a mere 5 pounds each and their eyes weren’t opened yet and Larry was born at a lean 85 pounds, he knew they would grow and they might challenge Larry for power. Larry hadn’t been in prison yet, but he knew what prison rules were. Larry knew he had to set the tone and set the tone he did. Legend has it that Larry proceeded to eat the rest of his litter, devouring his siblings. This is false, Larry only ate half of his litter? while he made the other half watch.

After finishing his meal Larry immediately raped the farms rooster. This would be Larry’s first rape, but wouldn’t be his last. When Larry was 3 he was kicked off the farm. It turns out that Larry had tried to sell the farmer’s daughter into slavery and on numerous occasions, he had feverishly raped the farmer’s wife’s leg. If you know Larry, then you know Larry is a smooth talker, but at the same time Larry has to cross the line as soon as things are cool again. He would often calm the farmer down with funny stories, interesting conversation, or tear jerking poetry. However, as soon as the farmer would go to pet Larry and tell him he was a good pig, Larry would try to stab him with a rusty piece of bailing wire. Other times, Larry would go as far as to let the farmer go in for the hug and Larry would steal his wallet at the height of the emotional connection.

When the farmer finally had enough of catching Larry in bed with his wife and paying the $800 per month phone sex tab, he banished Larry from the farm forever. So Larry tattooed his name on the farmer’s daughter’s ass using his prickly dick hair and went on his way. It wasn’t long before Larry was mixing it up with the wrong crowd, smuggling bag after bag of pure Columbian cocaine across the border in his fat ass, flabby jowls, and fake tits. Larry finally worked his way towards California by hitching with motorists and then using his siren’s muse to get them working the business end of truck stop glory holes. Larry greatly enjoyed shaming motorists and pimping them across the country, but he never turned a profit because he would promptly spend his earnings from them on the other side of the glory hole.

Eventually Larry worked his way to a recruiting office and joined the Navy. Larry had no interest in protecting freedom and democracy; Larry just saw this as a great opportunity to rape grown men trapped on a boat. While in the Navy, Larry was sent to Panama where he propositioned his first hooker. And by propositioned we mean raped. And by hooker we mean man walking down the street. Larry ended up serving 7 tours of duty in Panama and was awarded the Medal of Honor? but can you see it? Fuck no. He pawned it for Excite Bike and a 30 pack of stones cause it was BYOB night at the Cock Gobbler and the Salvation Army drop-off he broke into contained an old school NES but no games with it. This is why Larry hates charity. It fucked him once and he?ll make sure it never fucks him again.

But this is not why Larry loves hookers! He loves hookers because no one knows their real names and that usually stalls the homicide investigation long enough for Larry to get the hell outta town. Anyway, Larry was eventually discharged from the Navy for consistently shitting in the Captain’s rations. Larry was to be given a dishonorable discharge, but he gave a moving speech to the Admiralty Board that can still be today read in the Smithsonian. After having his discharged made honorable, Larry hosted a luncheon where he served all in attendance homemade chili that he had shit in.

After the Navy, Larry went to Hollywood where he dished out enough handjobs and right crosses to land the lead in Conan the Barbarian. It only ended up going to Arnold Schwarzenegger because Larry refused to NOT have a sex scene with James Earl Jones. It turns out this was for the better though, because Larry found out that he fucking hates jobs. As far as Larry is concerned, a job is just another thing that you can’t sort cocaine off its ass or promise it money for sex before you hit it with a taser and then bludgeon it with a sack of pennies. In fact, there’s only been one job that Larry ever really liked.

Larry had a paper route when he was a little pig on the farm. He fuckin loved that job. He would use the money from his paper route to leave cash on the dressers of all the girls in the neighborhood he banged so they felt nice and slutted. He enjoyed this level of shaming. It wasn’t until Larry was told that having a paper route actually meant delivering papers from a bicycle, and not sleeping 16 hours a day only to wake up and blast one into his dropcloth while watching late night Skinemax on pirated cable that he decided to quit. Why pirated cable you say? Because simulated porn on stolen cable makes the tits seem bigger and the thrusts seem deeper, Larry can god damn attest to this, and if you disagree he?ll piston his turkey knob into your piehole like V12 redlining in the Le Mans. But Larry digresses.

Fortunately for Larry, his dropcloth is the stuff of legend. It’s so thick and crusty NASA scientists have actually considered using it as a plan C or D if we ever had to knock a careening asteroid out of its orbit. In fact NASA paid Larry a royalty of $50,000 to study this phenomenon, marking the first and last time Larry ever made an honest nickel.

Larry was disgusted that he hadn’t gotten to lie, steal, or pimp for this money, but at the end of the day Larry would be god damned if he was going to turn down $50,000 bucks so he took it. But it didn’t last long. Larry invested all of it in a failed attempt to develop stealth technology that would get him closer to set of Glee so he could burn it down for being so incredibly shitty and gay. ..