Hey fucking guy out there,

Larry suggests all his faithful readers out there go to your local supermarket and stock up on non perishable food stuffs, bottled water, and shotgun shells.  The apocalypse is upon us.

Larry knows this to be fact because there is no way in hell any human man dead/alive/blind/rich/poor would subject themselves to the horrible experience of marrying this ugly creature Chelsea Clinton.  A creature from the darkest depths of the darkest cave under the scariest bridge you’ve ever seen in your life…ever.  A place so scary and dark, this creature adapted the palest skin and the darkest eyes…like two black holes consuming everything they look at….The worst shit.

The only logical explanation is that this is actually some kind of cyborg or a man with no cock.  I know sad old man virgins who would shoe horn their limp cock into this troll on their drunkest most depressed day.

Did you know that when Chelsea Clinton was attending Yale in college, they had to build her a special dorm.  See, trolls can’t come out during the day and can’t live in normal dwellings.  They feed on children walking at night and must live under a bridge near a dark body of water or large cliff.  Yale spent 4 million dollars building a bridge and digging a wharf for this troll to live in.  They even flew in children from Africa and had them attempt to cross the bridge every midnight so this troll could feed. And feed she did.

All Larry is trying to do is give his loyal readers fair warning so you can take proper defense measures. The fact that she is getting married is a sure sign that Beelzebub has escaped the fire pits of hell and has returned to earth to rain down 1,000 years of pain and vengeance.

Get a shotgun…get plenty of bottled water and canned fruit….dig a trench in your backyard and get ready to shoot your neighbor when he turns into a zombie and comes over to eat your brain.  This red headed bitch is a menace who can’t be stopped.

We can’t stop her or the wrath she brings, we can only hope to contain her.

The only way to repel her you ask?

Stab her with a stake in the heart?  No.

Shoot her with a laser?  No.

Machine guns and rocket tipped arrows?  No.

You can’t kill her. Trolls don’t die.  They are like highlanders….accept no weakness.  The only way to survive menacing trolls like Chelsea Clinton is to scare them off with your nudity.

Good luck my loyal followers.  Larry will see you all in hell,

-Larry

Hey fags,

One thing that I like about you guys is that your periods are all synchronized.

That’s enough about that. I came here to tell a tale. It’s a tale of one hero…one champion. A lover and a warrior. This legend makes pussy tremble and grown men clench their ass.

You guys still confused on who this great savage is? Let me give you a hint.

This is the one man who used to rape guys who looked just like Buck once a week while doing his second tour in prison for stabbing a live cow and fucking the wound.

This is that charming stranger who titty fucks you when you least expect it.

Now you’ve got it….no? Sure you do….How about a few more hints.

This dark knight bows heads to many names…You’re familiar with a few:

Testicle Necklace
FullFrontalMaleNudity
WhoreFuckerZilla
EightInchOakRoot
Charming Stranger
and….
Dick Dealer

He’s the hero you need, not the one you fuckers deserve..

-Dick Dealer

Larry has a two 50 caliber machine guns for arms and god damn sledgehammers for delts. Larry’s got “Pussy & Beer” tattooed on his right tit and a grand canyonesque scar from and toothbrush shank running from his shoulder blades to his ballsack. Larry’s has two glass eyes and and an eyepatch anyway just for shits. Larry hasn’t brushed his teeth since he snacked on Britney Spears’ box on the set of “Oops I did it Again” cause Larry likes to savor the flavor, ya dig. Larry has mange. Larry likes his mange so he goes shirtless to expose it.

“Gee golly Larry, where the hell is this going?! I need to finish reading this before Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team gets back from commercial so I can and finger my anus!”  Well Clown, the point is… what part of the above physical description says to you

Oh the economy got it’s own dick snapped off in it’s ass? Oh BP and some black crude are playing drunk frat boy to the Gulf of Mexico’s virgin pussy? How about this. Everyone without a college degree and without a job, report to the fucking beach. Here is bucket and a shovel and 10 dollars an hour. Everyone with a college degree but no job, report to the fucking beach. Go supervise the mother fuckers with the buckets and shovels and here is 20 dollars an hour. Problem solved. 2 birds, 1 stone, Larry wins. Larry didn’t go to Harvard law either champ. Larry wins again.

Why don’t they just burn that shit up with some fire?? Not little controlled burns, Larry means some napalm. We could have the Coast Guard and Navy equip their ships and choppers with some some big ass industrial box fans and just push the ensuing smoke orgy right down into Cuba. Viola, Finito!!

Larry just doesn’t believe it that there is nothing to do, it’s been what, like 70 days? 40 years ago we put men on the fucking moon. Yes 40 years ago we shot a rocket out of orbit, landed it on the moon in fucking outer space, got out, walked around, claimed it with a big unwaving stiff-as-a-dick  flag, got back on the rocket, blasted it off of the moon, then flew it back from outerspace, checkmated the scorching hot ozone layer and landed it in the ocean. So, you’re telling Larry that 40 years after that, they can’t do anything at all about a broken pipe under the water? Well they sure as shit managed to get a camera down there to feed a live stream to youtube, but ohhh no hot damn they can’t get a fucking lid down there. I mean let’s be reasonable, lids are complex. Pssshsshhhh. Bull-shit. Don’t piss down Larry’s back and tell him it’s raining. Mmmkay.

The arrogance of these BP clowns and anyone else involved in this clusterfuck offends Larry. But not because Larry loves Earth… Larry hates Earth. It’s because they make more money than him and consequently bogart all the strippers without silicone ripples when Larry goes to the Boobie Bungalow. Larry is about as evolved as Early man. Put these clowns in jail so Larry can motorboat some saline dreams without breaking suction on welfare surgery krinkly ziploc bag titties.

http://www.myfoxny.com/generic/news/BP-Oil-Spill-Live-Camera

Clear Larry’s schedule clowns!! July 9th has just been declared a national fucking holiday!! Sweet jesus!

http://www.predators-movie.com/

UPDATE!!!!! Looks like we can put soccer back in the closet for 4 years.

Larry has been watching the World Cup lately because it’s in Africa, and we all know African tribe womens like to show their tits. Africa is also home to Malaria, Ebola and AIDS. To all of which Larry serves as a host body. The soccer part is secondary. Well listen up clowns, Larry has yet to see any of said tits, but he has seen plenty of Oscar-worthy dick lickers roll around on the ground writhing in imaginary pain. Seriously, you fuckin shit heaps make the NBA look like they run on the honor system. Someone tell these douches to get up and act like men. You look like a bunch whiney bitches. If there isn’t bone sticking out of the skin then you aren’t hurt. Every single time there is some brand of contact the flailing begins, followed by pleading at the officials.

http://g.sports.yahoo.com/soccer/world-cup/news/bradley-punish-the-floppers–fbintl_dw-flopping062510.html 

Yes General Bradley. Expose the non-hackers.

Oh what’s that? A few mintues left in the game and you’re team is struggling to hold onto a narrow lead? Better pretend to be hurt and roll around like a coward. GET DA FUCK UP!! Stop moaning and stroke that ball towards the fucking net!!! No one is watching to see you fucking queens priss around and complain! People want shots and goals and hysteria!!! God dammit. Respect yourself. Respect your sport. Larry thinks if you get knocked down, get up like a warrior, blood & sweat flying and rampage towards the goal like a mad man knocking shots like a mother fucker. The crowd will go ape-shit. That’s what gets the fans fired up.

In addition… the world better pray to Zues that America doesn’t start getting more serious about soccer. Larry is a strong believer that Uncle Sam raises the best athletes in the world, they just focus on other sports. Imagine Michael Vick or Reggie Bush trained their entire life to play soccer instead of football. Oh sweet jesus. You can’t look Larry in the eyes with a straight face and tell him that Pele is a better speciman than those fucking thoroughbreds. And if you do then are a god damn liar and you will duel Larry. So bring your fucking flintlock pistol.

Larry also heard the game will not be watched/discussed in Guantanamo Bay to reduce hostilities between the guards and the terrorists. Well know this clowns, if Larry was in charge he would call all prisoners into the cafeteria and make them watch the last 10 minutes of the USA vs Algeria match on loop for 10 hours straight. Mwuahaha.

With that out of the way, Larry will admit that this World Cup has intrigued Larry. It has been most exiciting and worthy of Larry’s time. Larry has moved soccer up on the respect list.

Uh-oh get the gurney!! Wait nevermind. Just a case of superpower envy.

Don’t know who this chick is, doesn’t matter. Larry is sporting a blue vein throbber. Fake DDs?? Check. PS3?? Check. Slutty?? Check.

Dropcloths at the ready clowns.

Larry thinks it is time to give back to the community. Larry thinks a little session every-so-often where Larry introduces the kiddies to a new word would be fun. Maybe enough sessions to satisfy 1,000 hours and this cunt of a judge? Eh? Just an arbitrary number, nothing else to it…  Anyway please place your childrens in front of the monitor now, Larry is going to teach them a new word. This will be fun and make their brains fat with knowledge.

Today’s word is… NARC.   N-a-r-c.  Narc. “Well Gee golly Larry! Isn’t that a police term or a term described to talk about taddletells or blah blah blah fuck shit blah?!?”

WRONG FUCKFACE!!! Strike 1!!!! That is the old term and it is out. Narc means – No Apparent Reason Chubby. Yep. Stop a second and let your brain expand. If you feel that pressure against your skull it’s cause your brain literally grew thanks to Larry’s learnings.

Aww This makes Larry feel warm and fuzzy. Wait no… just piss.

Ok anyway, Narc means No Apparent Reason Chubby. This is used to describe a situation comon to most males ages 16 plus. It’s when you get a boner for no fucking reason whatsoever. Examples:

You are in class and the bell rings. For whatever reason, you were sitting in English lit and sprouted a boner for no rhyme or reason. Your friend stands up with the bell and is like “Hey dude, let’s fucking roll.” You just sit there, cause you don’t want to expose the boner, and he is like “What the fuck man get up!” You can employ your knew found knowledge and be like, “Can’t just yet dude, I got a narc. Give me a sec to subdue it.”

If your friends like to hit each other in the dick like good friends sometimes do, but the wind blew just right and gave you a stiffy, then you can be like, “Wait guys… time out. I got a narc.” They will appreciate that, as the last thing any of your buds want to do is slap your dick for a good laugh and get a hand full of chub. Traumatic.

Morning wood Larry thinks can be an honory narc. A full trueblooded narc springs up with absolutely no warning and no justification. Morning wood could be related to some sexy dream you had about eating out a cheerleaders ass or whatever, or could have physical implications related to waking up and your bodies boot-up routine… Larry may remove vital organs from people and host abortion parties, but god damn he’s no doctor so he can’t really say on this matter. But they do seem to just kinda spring up so Larry will dub Morning Wood “Narc – lite”.

Boner from staring at big tits… Not a narc. It is justified.  Boner from staring at ass & legs… Not a narc. Boner from 1:00AM cinemax… nope, not a narc either. Stealing an AK-47 with the serial number already filed off…. completely justified reason for a boner. No narcs in this test group.

Boner while parallel parking your whip at the mall… now that is a fucking narc. No Apparent Reason Chubby.

Class is over friends. Good talk. Fuck off. Sign this timesheet for Judge Hairypuss.

If anyone has played Red Dead Redemption, you may have noticed some similarities between the events in the game and Larry’s life. Well that’s because those dicksucks over at Rockstar straight Jew’d several of the scenarios in this game straight from Larry P’s playbook of Life 101. Observe Larry’s unfaltering evidence clowns.

The most glaring and arrogant jewing of Larry’s antics would be the rampant whore stabbing. If you’ve played this piece of shit game then you will know that it’s pretty common to come across a drunken chlamydia host dragging a whore out of the saloon and into the street by her hair. Hehe, silly whores. He then says things like “Stupid bitch I’m gonna cut you up real nice! Don’t you ever give me lip!”  and proceeds to take out a big cot damn Rambo knife and trace her abdominals less than gently. Rockstar calls this a “minigame” or “in-game event”. Larry calls this Wednesday night. Larry deserves some compensation, Larry even let those nerds put those hospital nipple things all over Larry’s body and motion capture a whore stabbing recreation. Larry was not even mentioned in the credits.

You can also take anyone in the game, including nuns, hogtie them to your mighty steed, and place them gingerly on the train tracks. Then you tap your foot against the ground and check your pocket timepiece of the era and wait on the 3:10 to come in and smash your guest into bloody pulp. Awesome. While Larry hasn’t done this exactly, per say, Larry thinks he holds some intellectual rights to this and could make a case. Larry has feverishly masturbated to this scenario no less than 937 times. But where in the blue fuck can Larry find a train this day and age with one of those badass cow scoops on the front of it?!? Riddle Larry that chumps.

The developers abstained from including paint-huffing, extreme close-ups of anal sex with genital warts, and John Marston didn’t have a tattoo of a battleship on his ass, but other than that I think it is safe to say that Rockstar is Danny Ocean to Larry’s intellectual capital, and Larry will see you in court mother fuckers. PEACE.

Look here clowns. Larry just wants to set the record straight. Cocaine is absolutely NOT ADDICTIVE. Larry’s been doing that shit for 15 years and Larry isn’t addicted yet. So step up off Larry’s Gucci mmkaay?

Earth is a dirty slut. Close your legs ho! Guatamala sinkhole is really Earth’s nasty vag. God Larry hates you planet Earth. Respect yourself.

Larry just watched UFC 114 and well, Rampage Jackson blew it tonight in the 3rd round. Rampage had Rashad cot damn FINISHED in the 3rd round with some vicious combos and some ground and pound. Only to grapple him, let him up, and then lose like a big sopping wiener. LARRY HAD BIG MONEY ON YOU RAMPAGE!!! Larry is black too, why did you do a a brother like this?!?! You had this in the bag hommie!! Larry does not have 50k to pay up to the spics he bet with. This is bad Rampage. If you could finish fights, Larry would be rich. But now, Larry is waiting in ambush with the shades drawn and shattered glass littered across the stairwell to alert Larry when the kneebreakers come. These honest, hard working mob enforcers are going to get stabbed and sexually assualted because of you Rampage. Good talk. Fuck off. Larry will make up for this when the Suns finish off the Lakers. Right? Right? Ehhh??   Fuuuck.

PS – Larry needs 50k  quick clowns. Cough it up or be destroyed.

PPS – Betting is should be completely legal and is not immoral. The African bushman theory proves religion is false. Larry shall expand on this tomorrow clowns.

PPPS – (_|_)::::::::::::::::::D (_(|)_)      (Textorial interpretation of Larry’s massive schlong penetrating a regretful vagina)

PPPPS – Rich Franklin… really hommie?? Larry loves you cause we are brothers of the lost hairline…. but come on maaan. Chuck liddel fights at 205, your at 185, Chuck is gonna KYTFO. Knock You The Fuck Out!! Stay within your parameters silly goose. Larry says this out of love, because he doesn’t want to see you get dropped.

Larry was siphoning gasoline today. Larry does not own a vehicle, per say, but he does like to get high off the smell. So anyway, Larry was siphoning his Wednesday qouta when he couldn’t help but notice a little sticker that said “My child is an honor student at blah blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck face cunt hole elementary.” Larry knows we have all seen these stickers, and people need to understand something. No one gives a shit. NO ONE. Dumbasses that buy those stickers don’t even notice them on other people’s cars. People really need to understand that is absolutely NOT A BIG FUCKING ACCOMPLISHMENT. You wouldnt have a bumper sticker that read, “My kid tied his shoes today, then took a piss without drowning in the crapper.” Because that’s about the same difficulty level as fucking primary school honor roll. School is fucking easy as pie bitches, Larry knows. Larry has a PhD in anal creampies. Larry would like to see that fucking bumper sticker. “My kid is an honor student in topping off your daughter’s ass… with cum.” Now that’s the fucking spirit.

Some other bumper stickers that need to be fucking destroyed with extreme prejudice are as follows:

Piss on Ford/Chevy/Dodge/Cowboys/Yankees/yadda yadda fucking yadda. Get the fuck outta here with that shit you fucking rednecks. This is so fuckin dumb Larry doesn’t even know where to start. Ohhh shit!!! Billy badass thinks that Fords suck! Look at that, ya piss on those Fords! I better get out the fuckin way cause I’m in an F-150! God damn! What a statement! Once again, no one gives two heaping shits what your vehicle preference is cocksuck. NO ONE. A fuck, it does not make. Also, if there’s one thing Larry doesn’t know shit about… it’s business. But Larry is pretty sure if you’re gonna use Ford/Chevy/whoever’s likeliness on those stickers for profit, they get a cut. So your cool guy “Piss on you Chevy!” sticker just put YOUR money in GM’s pocket. Well played.

Another one would be Ain’t Skeered & No Fear. PS – Let Larry translate the “Ain’t Skeered” sticker in case you didn’t grow up in the south. It’s referencing “I’m not scared.” Yep that’s it. If see that, better watch your ass. The guy in that truck isn’t god damn scared, I’ll tell you that. What does this shit even mean. Ain’t Skeered? Of what? What does that shit mean?!?!? LAME!! If you feel the need to project your tough guy image to a bunch of anonymous assholes you pass on the freeway, then you have fucking problems. You probably fight at bowling alleys. Larry says fuck you. Larry has some news that might make you skeered. Your asshole is approx 1 inch wide. Larry’s dick has a 7 inch circumference. That’s some scary math friends. I’ll tell you what else is scary. Larry may or may not have contracted an aggressive strain of genital warts from his participation in a Vietnamese “Ping-Pong” show. Ya, Google that. Ain’t skeered now big boy?!?

Here is a fucking Doozie. “You Can’t Hug Children with Nuclear Arms.” Larry’s rants may be chock full of typos… but that my friends is legit. You read it right. You can’t hug children with nuclear arms. You also can’t hug children when your physical body has been reduced to ash because the United States disbanded its nuclear arsenal and was immediately buttfucked by radical nations. Nuclear weapons are a deterrent, leave them the fuck alone. Be joyous that we have more of them, and know that they actually keep us safe. It’s called Mutual Assured Destruction, and it works. Next.

Here is another. “If guns are outlawed… then only outlaws will shoot their kids.” Larry actually saw this one. Larry has only seen it once, so thank god the epidemic hasn’t spread. But it was bad enough to earn a spot here. Completely fucking retarded. This doesn’t even make sense. Larry doesn’t use guns, because he has a deep, deep appreciation for the great hero McGuyver, and Larry really hates kids. But this sticker is fucking shitty. Get better writers.

“God is my Co-pilot”  UUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.. RAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! The other ones make Larry’s eyes roll… this one actually illicits rage. Oh really fuckface? Close your eyes and hammer the gas near a cliff. Let’s field test this mother fucker. I’ll bet you die. Fuck off. Larry wants a bumper sticker that consists of a picture of a car wedged underneath a semi-truck with carci (plural for carcass Larry thinks) strung about everywhere… with that car bearing the bumper sticker “God is my Copilot”. God isn’t helping you drive asshole. Life is just a mixture of skill, judgement, and random events thrown into a big pot and stirred around. Good luck scumbags.

In leiu of Ms America being on TV tonight, Larry thought a piece about dropcloths would be appropriate. It is known fact that Larry’s dropcloth is a thing of legend. It’s an old Korean war era parachute that has been sewn into a sock shape. After years of overabuse and a lack of washing, it has hardened into a fortress like object that is actually used in Larry’s community as a Tornado shelter. Larry is quite proud of this.

Some of you less educated scumbags may be wondering, “Hey Lar, what the hell is a dropcloth anyway.”  Well, a dropcloth is what you use to catch your manjuice in after you discharge a round. Basically it’s what Larry uses to clean up a little after a nice jerk session. There are differenet methods and different objects that you can utilitze.

Socks. Socks make good a dropcloth because you can reuse them. Also, they are nice and thick and the cotton can really absorb some abuse. Durability is a good quality of a dropcloth. Larry used a sock dropcloth once, but when he went to air fluff it in the dryer it sound like someone put a god damn workboot in there. Pros – Reusable, durable, absorbent.  Cons – Gotta clean it on the reg or things get ugly.

Papertowels/Toilet paper – Clear some mucus, wipe your ass, clean up some OJ, all valid reasons to bust out some TP/Papertowels. Wait what… you guys don’t wipe your ass with paper towels sometimes?? Pussy. Well fuck you don’t judge Larry. Anyway, there’s another thing to add to the list above and that’s if you suddenly see a Victoria’s Secret ad on TV and need to Express bust a nut. This is risky because you only have 20-30 seconds to get your nut off. Worst case scenario is you almost make it but are too slow, and find yourself at the point of no return right as Marissa Miller & company fade to black and  the Jonas Brothers come on to plug a concert or some shit right  as you unleash the fury. Then you just got off to the Jonas brothers and you are fucking GAAYYY. So point being, you don’t have time to go rummaging through the laundry for a dirty sock or T-shirt, you gotta drop pants to ankles and get crunk. That’s the glory of the Papertowel/Toilet paper/Kleenex. They are cheap and you can stash them everywhere. Larry has them at arms length all over his hovel. Be sure to have them stashed around the TV just for this scenario. And if you play defense like Dwight Howard you can catch it all and not even have to get out the carpet cleaner. Well done padawan. PROS – Cheap; Abundant; Easy to discretely stash, much like an insurgent weapons cache.    CONS – Lack of durability (a heavy load could tear through it and stain the carpet); Not reusable means you gotta go the store and steal more, which means you could get in an altercation with the police, which means the cops may shoot you when you lunge at their guns. Your call.

A Hooker’s Weave – This is another good one. Especially if you’re like Larry and you have more of these laying around then you do socks and paper towels. That cheap ass horse hair these sluts wear needs to be abused just to take the shame level off the charts. It’s even funnier if you can pull this off while the weave is still attached to said whore. This is great cause you don’t have to clean anything up or deal with disposal. As hookers come and go your stash is replenished. If one of the sluts complains that you just used her hair at a nutrag, for example she might ask for help cleaning or dealing with it in some way, you say this, “Well whore there’s a problem with that cum in your hair…  and that’s that it ain’t my fuckin problem mwuahaha.”  Then kick their ass out the taxi. That’s how Larry serves these whores.

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/datingtips/89022/dating-101-ways-you-keep-him-hooked-and-happy

Well this is just chalk full of some beta male horseshit. Larry will do his part to improve society by re-writing this pile. There is some seriosly horrible, awful adive in here. Face forward chumps…

First up to bat is Deepak.

“I was really into my coworker. Even though she’d smile at me if our eyes met in a meeting, I was afraid to ask her out. What if she was just being friendly? After I spent three months kicking myself for not doing anything, she invited me to a dinner date. It was awesome. A woman can’t rely on a guy always picking up on her hints, so go ahead and initiate things…please!” – Deepak, 34, Orange, Conn.

Deepak is obviously a big sopping pussy. Listen to trusty ole Lar buddy, a quick anal rape session in the supply closet is ALWAYS a solid option. Don’t take any lip of that bia bia either. Larry don’t give a fuck what she says/screams/writes on your face in pepperspray. Remember the golden rule, “No means Yes… and Yes means Doggystyle.” Larry might also spam photos of his penis to her AIM messenger while in the cubicle. Take audible heavy breaths while doing this to help set the tone. You’re welcome.   PS – Change your name scumbag. We speak English in America and your name pisses Larry off. Deepak is fucking horrible.

Here’s a winner.

“I know offering to drive is the gentlemanly thing to do, but when my now girlfriend got behind the wheel on our second date, it took the pressure off me to be so responsible for the night. I could kick back and relax.” – Jeremy, 35, Atlanta

In all honesty, there is some good and bad with this. Larry doesn’t own a car, per say, so he usually has to be driven as well. Also Larry doesn’t have a valid driver’s license per say, so again this works well. It is also a sign of power to be driven around like a hero. You know who else gets driven around? South American Generals and dictators. Big fat mexican fuckers that wear Castro hats, don’t shave, have stuble and smoke stogies. They also sweat like fiends and rock some awesome fuckin pit stains. You are in good company if you’re getting chauffered baby. Also I’m pretty sure Jay-Z doesn’t drive.

Having a driver also means you can hold beers and both ands because the god damn steering wheel doesn’t become an issue like it normally is. The downside of this is that if a cop pulls you over, he can’t smell your breathe or feel your drunk spit from when you bust out some Gangs of New York from the shotgun seat and call him a “mother whoring irish nigger”. The drivers seat is much better for this. Larry knows from experience.

This post is now coming to an abrupt end because Larry literally just got invited to have sex. Not kidding clowns. Yes you are allowed to pleasure yourself to this thought. No Larry will not use condom. Yes Larry does believe in birth control. And birth control Larry means an unmitigated Jab-Jab-Cross-Jab-Hook combination directly into the uterus during the 3rd trimester.

You clowns may have noticed that Larry has been absent the past week. Well, you can all relax and let your buttholes unpucker. You man not know this, but Larry does a little moonlighting for Uncle Sam in his spare time cause Larry is a god damn patriot. Hulk Hogan’s “Real American” theme song was ghost written by Larry P. Real talk. But anyway, Larry was dispatched to southeast Asia and then to Mehico for a little house cleaning. But he’s back now and adores the pantys and room keys being thrown his way. Much appreciated clowns.

Also… in completely unrelated news……

http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20100514/wl_time/08599198902600

and…

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100514/ap_on_re_la_am_ca/lt_mexico_candidate_killed;_ylt=AiMj.XsvEPrvR4rPdYYgBIdvaA8F;_ylu=X3oDMTJyYzZkZzNyBGFzc2V0A2FwLzIwMTAwNTE0L2×0X21leGljb19jYW5kaWRhdGVfa2lsbGVkBGNwb3MDMwRwb3MDOQRzZWMDeW5fdG9wX3N0b3J5BHNsawNtZXhpY2FuY2FuZGk-

Yes clowns… completely unrelated news. Ha. Haha. Mwuahaha.

In a third completely unrelated note, Larry has 2 used kidneys for sale. Takers? Yes? No? Fuck off?

Thank you for your cooperation.

Larry wants to know why whores leave little trinkets behind like panties or kids after he has tornadoed his penis hog around their lady caves. Do they really think they have created a situation where they can widdle their way back into Larry’s life? Larry immediately puts all their belongings into his George Foreman Grill and pulverizes them into crusty grains that he feeds into his penis hole to make him stronger.  You might be asking yourselves.. Why Larry? Why disrespect women’s belongings after you have juggernauted their flower petals, their lively hood, their right to vote… Larry says, ITS SCIENCE.  You’d be hard pressed to argue with science, and Larry on a general basis does not.  Do not leave your gypsy trinkets behind because Larry is prepared to fold them up in an oragami crane and fly it directly up your two dimpled hammed butt cheeks.

So it looks like Halle Berry dumped her loser gay male model of a man. Probably cause she got some sense knocked into her and realized that only Larry can swing the man meat bring the fuckin ruckus to her panties.

http://www.tmz.com/person/halle-berry/

Let Larry say hat’s off to the only fine ass actress on the planet who can pull off the boy haircut and still be super fuckin hottie. God Larry would baste that ass. Larry would take his mighty hog and split those sweater kittens in a god damn second clowns.

Also, any dickhead that would let her get away needs to be drug out in the street and strung up by the johnson. What an idiot. You got something better going on buddy? Shhhiiiiitttt not likely. But don’t worry, Larry is going to make her move. Larry will likely pose as a TMZ affiliate and approach her with questions see. Ms. Berry… does this Pepsi taste like roofies?? Ms. Berry, Ms. Berry…. does this rag smell like chloroform?? Hmm excellent. Larry is a master tactician.

Adriana Lima. Sweet jesus. She is living proof that there is a god, and he loves her a little more than the rest of us. Larry appoints her the official title of “Chief Boner-maker”. 13-inch salute.

Yes yes, a beautiful specimen Larry thinks. Hand Larry that moisturizer and crusty sock, clown. Larry needs to go to the bathroom and check something. Don’t come in.

Ok Clowns, if Larry hates children, feet and uppity womens..He really hates bugs.  He is not talking about the kind of bugs the FBI plant on your phone or under your night stand… He is talking about the dime sized warriors that fly around in the air and occasionally bite your leathery nut sack.  Now, somewhere in science, some of those fucks grew wings…probably happened in caveman days when a strong brow accidentally spilled some ox blood on a beatle after midnight… can’t really blame the relation to that and the movie Gremlins, but, history repeats itself.  Bugs are notorious foor making excellent things like gangbangs turn really weird.  If three acrobats from the local circus are bending their bodies around a french one legged hooker while Larry swigs whiskey in the corner and watches… auhu auha auha, sorry,  Larry needs a breather clowns, he is growing an ear of solid corn in his penis thinking about it.  Anyways, bugs are fucking gay and eat holes in the original American flag, the earth and on occasion, gentelmen’s nut sacks..

-Fuck Bugs, Larry P.