Larry has a hemorrhoid.

This one is nasty scumbags, don’t eat anything an hour before reading and put the women and children to bed. You’ve been warned.

Take heed and bare witness clowns. Larry will share a tale of pain, sorrow, and soiled underwear with you. This story is drawn from elements of Larry’s life. Let Larry begin by saying this. Ever since Larry punched out of the uterus and flung himself from his mother’s whorish ass 7 months premature, he has been famous for taking gigantic shits.  Seriously clowns… Larry is talking big, masculine, brawny, over-sized shits. The average person shits at least every day or close to it. Larry shits literally once a week, IF he is on his fiber supplements. Otherwise, it’s less often than that. But when Larry finally does shit, Larry brings the fuckin ruckus. Ever since the pansy ass bureaucrats in charge of the EPA decided it was in America’s best interest to downgrade all toilets to those weak and feminine quasi-toilets (you know, those sissy toilets that you can barely hear when they flush and like a tiny stream of water comes sprinkling down to carry away the turds, but the turds don’t go away because the water stream is small and weak and slow…) Are we really saving planet Earth by going from 5 gallon toilets to 2.3 gallon toilets? Really? Cause Larry’s math goes like this. 5 gallon crapper = 1 flush for 5 gallons used and done. 2.3 gallon crapper = 27 flushes because it’s fucking clogged so (27*2.3) = 62.1 Gallons of water used. Ya, fuck you Earth. Well, normally the chance to damage Earth would induce a boner with Larry, cause Larry and planet Earth have never really seen eye to eye. But in this case, Larry just wants to hurry up and be done with 1 flush, cause the more time he wastes churning a plunger in and out of an enviro-friendly shit holster is less time Larry can spend masturbating in the bushes outside of Kelly Ripa’s house.

Fuck conservation, let us shit like men! Like god intended! This toilet = EPA pussyness.

What Larry is getting at is this. Those pussy toilets suck the big dick, so Larry found a way around this. Larry bought a toilet from Mexico. That’s god damn right. An illegal crapper from the Mexican black market… Awesome. Larry will give you second to soak this in. Jealous clowns?? Oh yes you are. It’s a 5.0 gallon monster that will obliterate even the densest of shits and swoosh it away in a mighty flood. Larry will name it either “Poseidon” or “Hurricane Katrina”. This actually isn’t what Larry was getting at at all. This is a story about hemorrhoids so shut the fuck up and stop interrupting. God damn ingrates.

Best crappers in the world found onboard here. Install these in homes please.

Listen up. Like Larry said, he usually craps bi-weekly or so, so when he does it’s got some girth. Occasionally, there is bleeding or anal tearing, and small blood spots on the toilet paper/whore’s hair weave. However, last week, Larry purged a demon from his asshole so vile and gargantuan that Larry is pretty sure the force of the push may have shifted Earth’s magnetic poles. The end result was some serious bloodiness and pain. Upon further inspection and using Google magic, Larry has concluded he has given himself a hemorrhoid. The witch doctors inside of the magic internet box say this.

What causes hemorrhoids?

Too much pressure on the veins in the pelvic and rectal area causes hemorrhoids.

Normally, tissue inside the anus fills with blood to help control bowel movements. If you strain to move stool, the increased pressure causes the veins in this tissue to swell and stretch. This can cause hemorrhoids.

Oh really? Straining to get the poop out is a threat now? Thanks Doogie Howser. What is the alternative to applying pressure, just not shitting? Fuck you.

Diarrhea or constipation also may lead to straining and can increase pressure on veins in the anal canal.

These come with the territory of cocaine benders and Kentucky Deluxe liquid diets. Change = Not likely.

Pregnant women can get hemorrhoids during the last 6 months of pregnancy. This is because of increased pressure on the blood vessels in the pelvic area. Straining to push the baby out during labor can make hemorrhoids worse.

Not relevant, but kinda sexy. Mwuahaha.

Being overweight can also lead to hemorrhoids.

This one throws a wrench in the works. Larry stays at a healthy fighting weight of 785lbs packed onto his 3’5” frame, and is a lean 87.3% body fat. The absurdity of this one makes Larry think this thing may not even be a hemorrhoid.

 What are the symptoms?

The most common symptoms of both internal and external hemorrhoids include:

• Bleeding during bowel movements. You might see streaks of bright red blood on toilet paper after you strain to have a bowel movement.
• Itching.
• Rectal pain. It may be painful to clean the anal area.

Hmm, let’s see. Check, check, and fucking check. Next.

External hemorrhoids 

External hemorrhoids can bleed, and then the blood pools, causing a hard painful lump. This is called a thrombosed, or clotted, hemorrhoid.

 Well, according to the Western Sizzler waitress Larry brought home and sweet talked into inspecting his asshole point blank before he made her walk home barefoot, there is visual confirmation of a big brawny external hemorrhoid.

“Oh gee golly Larry, that sounds horrible! You better see a doctor about that before it gets worse!” Ya you would pussy. No man gets that close Larry’s asshole if there isn’t a reach-around option in play. Besides, Doctor’s are for queens and the dickless. Larry is going to combat this with Cortizone and by watching Red Dawn for 72 hours straight. If Patrick Swayze slanging and banging against the Red Army for 3 days doesn’t make that hemorrhoid shrivel up and cry for momma then fuck it, there’s some things modern science just can’t cope with. As of right now, Larry walks with a little bit of a swagger thanks to the swelling, and it kind of burns like someone poured candled wax on Larry’s ass didn’t blot it out with their panties… but Larry will persevere. His resolve has never stronger. Larry will keep you clowns updated on this situation. Don’t wear out your refresh button silly clowns… patience is a virtue.

  THIS PLUS:

LARRY PIIIIIGGGG!!!

Equals hemorrhoid ownage.

Deuces scumbags.